Jesus, Do I Love Him? Part 1
“All too real”
I write this at the same place I remember what I can describe as, a mark of the day I may have waved the white flag. I now have re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I log this to share the lessons I’ve learned. In whatever way God may use my life, my time, my brains and all my resources for His kingdom and His purposes, I leave up to Him what this story can do. Whether one or a thousand souls, it is absolutely up to Him.
It was, if my memory serves me correctly, the year 2014. I was in one of the bedrooms of my parents’ house. I can no longer remember the exact date but I can remember how I felt that day. I can remember what I was staring at when I felt that distinct kind of inner disposition while lying down on my bed, the wall. The feelings were flooding in, sinking in, all the betrayal, lies, mockery, gossip and insults that happened in the previous events that unfolded. I was thinking at that time, those that acted like enemies to me, were merrily going about their ways like they were an exception from God's judgment and this world’s basic law of choices equals consequences.
There were also those that have done things that added to what I felt, it felt too loud and clear in my head, that my reputation was crushed - that everything I worked hard in re-building, everything I trusted in the Lord for, the work I’ve exercised to work on my character ( being uncomfortable, listening to pastors’ advises, listening to some friends from church, adjusting my heart, my mind and my whole life! ), it felt that all the hard work, came crumbling down… just because someone decided not to like me. And I was not allowed to retaliate. I still followed God, I did not retaliate.
It was new to me. That’s not how I dealt with people who won’t get off my back. Over the years, I’ve learned that if one could avoid having enemies, the better though I still fight back on instances that I felt it was needed. So, I followed what the Bible says, don’t retaliate. I followed on the outside. Inside, I was angry. I was offended. And, I waved the white flag.
Waved the White Flag
- I saw it that way, because, maybe some of those feelings may have been from a lie. Lies from the enemy that made it seem like things are a bigger deal than they actually were. Yet some of them, some of them, I had clear evidence. It was true, that I experienced betrayal, insults, mockery, and other things. I knew that in my former ways, before becoming a Christian, I had my own set of ‘game plan’ or my own set of ways to not be in that position. In my thoughts, as all of it felt heavy on my shoulders, I blamed God’s command to love. He told me to love, love my neighbors and forgive, to not have favoritism over the influential and rich, treat people equally, be humble, and yet it felt like I just ended up with what I could describe as feeling battered by the world. In my heart, I declared, ‘I’m done'.
That was after around my first year of following Jesus. I had some sins I struggled with and some of the pain may have come from the consequences of those yet I still felt that all the good works I’ve done didn’t deserve to get that kind of pain in return. The kind that felt like the world actually walked all over you, where you have no idea how you could ever have dignity much less a self-worth again. I felt so insulted, and you know, you also can’t retaliate! I hated that command that day. I couldn’t see how could God avenge as He says in the Bible. Because as I looked at my situation at that time, things seemed like things were going well for my enemies. I hated it, that’s the truth.
In my thoughts, I said something like, ‘this is what I get for being radical?’. Radical for me meant really taking the Bible for what it says about life. I also knew that I may have sounded like an ungrateful person but at that time the pain was all too real. I still remember thinking about the Christians I see that seem like just church-goers but still act like the world. How come they’re fine? - so I told myself something like, “I’m done. I’m done doing things for the gospel or loving and blessing people. I’m done investing in light of eternity. I’m going to enjoy entertainment whenever I can. I'm going to enjoy the 'harmless' superficial things I used to pursue, I’m just gonna' go to church on Sundays when I can. That’s it for me from now on.
Looking back, as I type these, it is so clear now, that all those thoughts were from the enemy! Lies! Yet, that day would mark the three years of… what seemed like… nothing. I know that I know, God was still with me, even in those years.
Continue in part 2.
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